Stop Over-Depending on Others: Cut the Puppet Strings and Be Real
“Some people think it’s holding tight that makes one strong, but sometimes, it’s letting go.” ~Unknown
There’s a sense of being a little out of control of your life, powerful
emotions pulling you in different directions, a nagging sense of worry
that never lets up, and losing your grip on that sense of who you are
and what’s important to you. That’s my least favorite part—the loss of
identity.
“A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as plain as the nose on your face.”
~The Blue Fairy, Pinocchio
What is Over-Dependency?
Let’s start out with this: dependency is not a weakness. It’s actually healthy, as long as you can keep it balanced with independence.
We all need to be taken care of, validated, encouraged, and given
support. When we can receive these things from others and use them to
nurture our spirits, this is healthy dependency.
This is called interdependence, and it’s a beautiful ebb and flow
in relationships of both giving and being able to receive. As social as
we human beings are, this is pretty necessary for our survival. The
instincts for it run deep in our nature.
Over-dependency is when you find yourself struggling to return
to emotional independence when needed. For me, this involves a lot of
worry and obsessing over what someone else thinks of me
Where Does It Come From?
This varies for different people. Maybe it was the way you were
parented, or being bullied in school. How about becoming a teenager and
suddenly feeling the cultural pressure to be a model/genius/super-star?
Maybe it was being treated badly in a romantic relationship.
My victim mentality followed me into other areas of life, and it has
taken great courage and a lot of practice to learn how to take it off
and let my self-worth stand on its own again.
Ways to Ease Back into Interdependence
1. Let your conscience be your guide.
Listen to the small voice inside you. It’s our warning for when things
are becoming unhealthy. Be aware of yourself and how you start to act
and feel when you’re wrapped up in pleasing others. Think honestly about
how you’ve been caring for yourself lately.
2. Get some distance.
Try spending some time with yourself to see if it clears your head. It’s
also a good way to mentally check your relationships. The healthy
people in your life will give you space when you need it, then be glad
to see you return.
3. Give yourself love.
Others aren’t the only ones who can fulfill your need for love. In fact,
if you don’t love yourself, you might have a hard time accepting or
feeling like you deserve their love.
4. Give others love.
Strangely, over-dependency becomes highly self-focused. I’ve found the
easiest and warmest way to slip back into the ebb and flow of
interdependence is to give in small ways to other people around me, without expecting anything back.
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