Finding Yourself Instead of Trying to Change Someone Else...

“If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown


I found myself dating someone addicted to drugs. I thought if he could just hang around someone sober, see how I found joy without being altered by substances, and to bask in my love, then he could stay sober.


 
In the midst of it, I did not see the control I wanted to have of him.

Pain is a Mirror Image

The pain I felt was a mirror to his pain. He felt shame and judged himself harshly for using, and I felt shame and judged myself harshly for not being where I thought I should be in my career and for the way I looked as I packed on the pounds of responsibility he never asked me to take.

Accept the Other, Accept Yourself

After the realization that I could be at peace by accepting who he was and his choices, I could finally accept my responsibility for our relationship and for bringing him into my life. I decided to love him for the being he was, and most importantly, to love myself.

 My relief was astounding. I started meditating daily and allowed myself to listen to my truth. I let go of the weight of trying to be his savior, and that translated into inches off of my body. It was like dense matter had seamlessly transformed into light.

 When I began to love myself, I empowered myself to make my preference choices. Since I knew I couldn’t change him, I figured out that it was my preference to no longer be around that environment. So I decided to leave it.

 I understood that his drug use was to obtain relief and to be soothed from his troubles, which is what we all try to do in different forms when we experience that contrast from where we are and where we want to be.

Getting to That Better Feeling Place

 

1. Realize that the only person you can change is yourself.

You can be a guide and an example, but ultimately change comes from within.

2. Accept the situation didn’t “just happen to you.”

When you accept responsibility for your part, thoughts, and reactions, you will be empowered to transform.

3. Accept the person for who they are and where they are.

You will be in the present moment and not putting blame for what happened yesterday and creating stories of what could happen in the future.

4. Pick one thing you love about yourself, and be in love with it.

Just start with one thing, whether it’s your generosity or your big toe. The more you love that, the more your love for yourself will expand

5. Connect with the feeling of relief.

Realize that underneath it all, the person is just trying to feel better, even though it might not be in a way of which you approve or you think is harmful.

6. Write down your dreams and preferences.

Focus on your inner world and what thoughts bring you to a place of joy. Decide how you choose to live.

7. Be consistent.

And after you make this a consistent practice, the situation must change—either the person will start moving to where you are or you will exit each other’s lives.


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